DECEPTION and TRICKERY in the toothpaste aisle

What ever happened to tooth in advertising? 👀

Hi ho, it’s me, Jen, your friendly neighborhood paralegal who is starting a jury trial on January 3 and has been working 12-15 hour days since the week before Christmas and will continue to do so until after trial ends sometime in mid-January. In other words, don’t expect literary genius or even editing today.

I’m sure you’re as exhausted as I am with the end of year review posts — everyone does these things now — so I’m going to put all the staring into the abyss of my navel in my journal where it belongs and spare you the adventure.

I spent Christmas at home questioning all of my life choices and working through the five stages of pretrial grief:

1. Denial: I must be reading the trial notice incorrectly. Nobody would schedule jury selection for January 3. That just doesn’t make sense.

2. Anger: How can the court do this to me?!?! I have PLANS! I have PROJECTS! I am trying to start running and meal prepping again!

3. Bargaining: Maybe there was a glitch in the scheduling system and the dates on the trial notice were wrong.

4. Depression: Why do trials keep happening to me at the most inopportune times 😭

5. Acceptance: Man up, buttercup*, this isn’t about you, and if you could get through the last trial in the middle of moving house you can get through this one. Drink more coffee and get ‘er done.

*Before you @ me, I’m feminist AF and can talk to myself however I want. As it happens rage against the patriarchy fills my sails so telling myself to man up is a powerful motivator. Peace be with you.

Since there is literally an endless firehose of work coming my way over the next few weeks, this morning I decided to treat myself and take a few minutes to do something a single mom in the middle of trial prep can only dream of doing: grocery shopping.

I feel so pampered and self-cared and also filled with aggravation and annoyance, all because I tried to do something that should be easy but is not: buy fucking toothpaste.

Friends, there is DECEPTION and TRICKERY and possibly even FRAUD in the toothpaste aisle.

Last week when I dashed out to pick up some last-minute groceries at the Evil Empire, the veil was lifted. The generally accepted wisdom re: shopping is that buying things in bulk saves money. Naturally, my instinct was to pick up the 3 Pack of Crest 3D White Advanced Radiant Mint because I do love me some advanced toothpaste technology and dazzling white teeth. Since I pride myself in being a thrifty shopper, I checked the price per ounce /record scratch sounds/ and noticed that the 2 Pack was actually cheaper and my whole life has been a lie.

I always buy toothpaste when I’m shopping because I always forget to check whether I need it, so I was about to add some to my cart this morning. When I searched the Evil Empire’s website for the one very specific type of toothpaste I wanted, the results yielded so many different size and price options I wanted to throw my laptop across the room. (I’m a little high-strung right now.) How TF am I supposed to decide which toothpaste to buy with so many options?

Because I’m in find-the-fraud mode, I decided to take a few minutes to figure this out because I have not one other thing to do that would be a better use of my time. Not one. All the free fucking time in the world. (Don’t tell my boss!)

So! I’m looking at a screen of options which includes, but is not limited to:

1. Crest Pro-Health

2. Crest 3D White Advanced Radiant Mint

3. Crest 3D White Advanced Glamourous White

4. Crest 3D White Brilliance Vibrant Peppermint

5. Crest 3D White Advanced Arctic Fresh

6. Crest 3D White Stain Eraser Icy Clean Mint

7. Crest 3D White Advanced Charcoal 🤢

8. Crest Pro-Health Enamel Repair and Gum

9. Crest 3D White Brilliance Whitening 2-Step

10. Crest 3D White Advanced Deep Clean

11. Crest 3D White Whitening Therapy Charcoal Deep Clean Invigorating Mint (now they’re just making shit up)

I could keep going, but you get my point. When I do a more specific search, the results get worse and so does my headache.

Let’s just price check the 3D White Advanced Radiant Mint, because that is the only toothpaste I would ever consider buying. My options are:

• 0.85 ounces for $.97 ($18.26/lb)

• 2.4 ounces for $2.73 ($24.87/lb) less $6 in Walmart Cash if you buy four

• 3.8 ounces for $4.97 ($20.95/lb)

• Two 3.8 ounce tubes for $14.97 ($1.97/oz now they’re just fucking with me by making me do math, that’s $31.52/lb)

• 4.8 ounces for $4.97 ($16.57/lb)

• 3.0 ounces for $3.73 ($19.89/lb) less $6 in Walmart Cash if you buy four

• Who knows how much the 11 ounce Twin Pack costs

• Four 0.85 ounce tubes for $7.99 (grrrr no price per pound or ounce, making me do advanced math now $31.96/lb)

I don’t know why I’m spending so much time on this other than that I’m so fucking annoyed it’s this hard to figure out the best deal on toothpaste. We need exactly TWO sizes of toothpaste: travel size, and countertop size. We do not need ever-increasingly advanced toothpaste technology, it’s not that fucking complicated! Toothpaste + toothbrush + elbow grease or electricity if you’re fancy = clean teeth.

The amount of time and energy Crest and Walmart have expended to make it as confusing as possible to buy toothpaste (note that the stock photos of the tubes are all the same size so you can’t even visually parse what you’re buying!) so they can shake extra coins out of our wallets is gobsmacking. Good luck trying to compare prices against your local supermarket, Amazon, or Target - those stores offer completely different tube sizes and pricing schemes. Ask me how I know.

Anyway, this concludes my allotted writing time for this week and now I must get back to work so I can make more money to buy more toothpaste. Happy New Year, here’s to hoping you get a holographic sticker for being in the No Cavity Club the next time you visit the dentist. Stay safe out there from the high cost of low prices!

PS which one should I buy? Help a sister out!